It took me a lot of work and self-examination to realize I was blaming other people for my lack of self-mastery. It is so easy to miss.

I remember back in 2017, we had a brand new baby at home and I was planning to go on a run on a beautiful Saturday morning.

My wife had been up most of the night with our one-week-old and felt wholly exhausted. When I said to her "I am going on a run," I could see immediately, in her eyes, that she did not want me to go.

And I felt this pull. I felt like the "right thing to do" was to stay.

So I did not go on the run. But inside I felt angry. I felt resentment. I felt like I was being held back.

In retrospect I can see how ugly this is. I chose to stay because I did not want her upset with me. I chose to stay because I thought it was best for me not because it was best for her. I did the action of a supportive co-parent during a challenging season. Yet, I was not a supportive co-parent.

And I did not let go of my desire to go on a run. I blamed her for keeping me back, as if she had made the decision for me.

But I had made the decision.

St. Paul writes to the Corinthians:

How often do we blame someone else or something else for limiting us or holding us back? We act as if these people and institutions control us, but they do not. If you feel "held back" it is likely due to your own affections.

That morning in 2017, I allowed my affections to restrict me. They led me. The story would be different if I had led myself. To guide my affections to love something other than my own self-preservation. Had I done this, I would not have resented this person I had committed to be a co-parent with, who needed my help.

Self-mastery is when we cultivate our affections, not let them run wild and free.

Discipline is when we act as kind parents to our desires. We train them to learn the right actions to take in challenging moments.

If you feel restricted and held-back, I will give you a question to chew on. Are you blaming another person or the circumstances of your life? If so, ask yourself what is actually holding you back. Ask yourself where you have agency and control.

If you are like me and have a hard time with this, let's work on cultivating and leading our affections. It takes time and patience. Like turning a wild field into a garden.

But this is how we gain self-mastery and become the people we ought to be.

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Thank you.

-Dave