Do you ever find yourself in a mood where people make you angry quicker than normal? When the thoughts in your head are more critical of others than usual? When you have very little patience for the inconveniences of normal, everyday life?

This past month I found myself being critical of my spouse and kids. I was grumbling (mainly internally) about dishes and messy kids rooms. Little critical words would slip out as I went about my day. And I am sure my face was not welcoming.

Then I had a moment of self reflection. I kicked myself. I asked "What is going on here? Why am I acting like this?"

As I reflected, I found a note I had written down after reading some of Jesse Coomer's book "The Language of Breath":

When a human is critical, jealous, or judgmental it is a sign that they are in a "fight-or-flight" state. They are trying to identify threats. So, when I am critical, jealous, or judgmental of others, it means I am feeling threatened.

Behind my feelings of criticism there is a sense of my feeling threatened. This realization has been revolutionary for me.

Back to my example. When I was critical of the messy house, I felt threatened without knowing it. I knew that a messy house wasn't a real danger to me, but for some reason my subconscious felt like it was. It could be that I was afraid of what guests would think, or that I would lose something I care about.

So - If you are like me and you find yourself feeling critical or judgmental of others, this is something to try.

The first step: we must admit that we would not feel critical or judgmental if we did not also feel threatened.

Once we admit this, the next step is to lead ourselves out of this threatened state. Then our criticism should stop.

The problem is, this does not feel natural to us. Many of us grew up learning that when we are being critical, jealous or judgmental, we are being bad. We simply need to stop it. We try to fix it by telling ourselves we are being bad.

We say things like "be positive!" or "be grateful!" or "be kind!"

And we kick and criticize ourselves for being critical of others. Where does this lead us?

To feeling more threatened.

Being critical of ourselves doesn't take us out of the "threatened" state, it does the opposite. Which leads us to be more critical and judgmental and impatient.

It's a terrible cycle. Our system still feels threatened. And so our system keeps fighting to get safe.

This may look like:

• Explosions of unwanted emotions that we can't explain.
• Acting out with food, drink, drug or screen to numb the feelings.
• Chronic medical maladies.

This is all because we are not solving the core problem: feeling threatened.

We need to address this!

How? One way that helps: choosing to be curious and playful. Being curious is the opposite of the tunnel-vision caused by "fight-or-flight"

But - this will not come natural. As we have said before - you have to "practice" something you want to become, which looks a lot like "pretending" at first.

One way:

Be curious about that person you are feeling critical of. Take them to lunch and ask them questions about the things they care about. Get to know them.

Or, it could be too much to address the people you are critical of. If so, an easier place to start is this: take time to be curious about the world around you! Read a book on a topic that interests you. Ask someone you respect a question about something you wonder about. Set a timer for 20 minutes and sit and look at the clouds in the sky and let your mind wonder: how long is a cloud in the sky for? What does that cloud look like? What did humans 4,000 years ago think clouds were?

If you would like - you can even try and be curious about why you are feeling threatened (this is what I tend to do). Once you see the thing for what it actually is, you will likely see how you can take care of yourself in a healthy way.

When problems arise and we let our "threatened" state run us, we act like wild animals. We do whatever we can to survive.

But - when threats arise and we lead ourselves to be curious - amazing things can happen. We innovate, find breakthroughs, and make the world a better place.

So, if you find yourself being critical, judgmental or impatient, take heart! Take the time to lead yourself and practice curiosity. You will likely find clarity and peace and something better.

I hope this helps.

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-Dave

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