We were in the middle of a roadtrip across Kansas toward Colorado. I had (foolishly) buried our cooler of pre-packed lunches deep in the back of the van. It was unreachable while driving.

We were at the beginning of a 45-minute stretch of highway with no stops on it. No Gas stations. No rest stops. Nothing.

My wife and I had decided that, when the stretch was over, we would stop at a park and eat lunch.

It was at this moment our 2-year old said, in a desperate voice, "moooom? daaaad? I am hungry."

We knew there was nothing we could do. So we said nothing.

"Daaaaaaad. I am hungry."

"DAAAAD!"

This is a common situation when traveling with children.

I have learned in the time since that ignoring my kids' voices does not solve the problem. In fact, when I ignore them, they get louder and louder. The will take over the whole car with their noise and need.

The other option I have tried is to get into a debate with the 2-year old. I will say something like, "Stop saying you are hungry! There's nothing I can do right now about that!" They reply with "But I am hungry!"

If I continue to try and get them to be quiet through debate I get the same result. They will take over the whole car with their noise and need.

I have learned the hard way that the best response here is to ask them a simple question:

"Are you hungry?"

They say "yes!"

I say "Ok. You are hungry. Got it. This might not feel good, but I can't get you any food right this minute."

The kid does not like this. They might scream.

"Hey. You sound upset. Are you VERY hungry?"

"Yeaa!"

"Ok. We are going to get food soon. And we are going to play at a park after we eat. It's the next place we are going. While we wait, let's listen to the Mickey Mouse story you like."

After this, they usually stop trying to convince me they are hungry. We may have to repeat this many times over the 45 minute drive to the park. But the child feels heard and they are less likely to take over the whole car with their noise and need.

I tell this story because this is how our feelings are. When we are angry or hurt or mad or want something and we ignore it, the feelings act like my hungry 2-year-old in the car. They take over with noise and need. We must be a good parent to our feelings.

It reminds me of something a friend told me about anger:

This is true for anger and many other unwanted emotions (fear, loneliness, sadness).

Previous generations generally dealt with feelings and emotions with cold indifference. It was better to be "tough" and bury the hard feelings. The current reaction to this has been to emphasize the value of people's feelings and affirm them. This is a good change, but an incomplete one.

If a person only affirms their emotions, they are allowing them to lead. And emotions are there to inform, not to lead. It is destructive to allow feelings to run the show.

This is where the hungry child on the roadtrip is a useful mental picture. It is obvious that it is wrong to ignore my child. But it is also wrong to let my child drive the car (or, as I said earlier, take over with noise and need).

Our feelings are a dashboard helping us realize what we need to survive and thrive in the world. They are essential informants and consultants. They are not parents.

It is destructive to reject your negative emotions.

It is also destructive to let your negative emotions lead you.

This is where self-leadership comes in to play:

We need to lead our feelings. Listen to them. Take the time and be curious about where they are coming from. Write in our journals about them. Take walks without headphones and work stuff out.

Get help from professionals. Get help from friends.

Our feelings will be less inclined to act like desperate children if we make space to listen to them and lead them.

And if you have been ignoring them or asking them to lead for years, it may take time and work to repair things. But it is worth it to take the time to do this.

You are worth it.

-Dave

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