July 16, 2024 - Read Online​

Judd Apatow's documentary "May it Last" is in my top ten list of films. It documents The Avett Brothers as they write and record their 2016 album "True Sadness". The band's frontmen are two literal brothers (Scott and Seth), so "Family" is a major focal point.

Early on in the film Scott talks about how protective he was of his little brother Seth when they were kids. Every time his mom took young Seth on an errand, Scott would insist she take him along too. This wasn't because he wanted to spend time with his brother, it was to protect him. He had a fear of kidnappers and wanted to be there to make sure his little brother was safe.

As their mother recounts the story, she laughs it off. Scott and Seth, in contrast, talk about it in a serious tone. They both seem weighted by the stories of Scott's over-protective actions in childhood. It means something significant to each of them.

In watching this, I reflect on my own experience. I learned from an early age that it is wrong to be "over-protective". It is unsettling to witness someone cross boundaries in a relationship this way. The offender often believes they are loving the person yet, in reality, they are using them. They are attempting to control the person because they are afraid of how they will feel if things go bad.

Still - it is hard to tell when we have crossed this line. Sometimes good friendships call for hard conversations. Sometimes being a loving person in a relationship looks a lot like breaking a boundary.

• A good parent will stop a child from doing something that hurts them or others.
• A good friend will call out their roommate when they repeat self-destructive behavior.
• Interventions have saved the lives of countless addicts. Yet they are often awkward and unwanted. (Watch John Mulaney's Netflix special "Baby J" for an apt example of this).

Is the urgency felt before we take a bold action in a relationship "over-protective" or "tough love"? Should I mind my own business or intervene?

Often a wrong move in this moment can be very costly to the relationship. A misstep could lead to estrangement.

Before we make a move like this, we need wisdom and self-mastery.

Often a good question helps us find clarity. Here is one to use when you feel like you need to intervene in someone else's business:

"Who am I actually trying to protect here?"

In May it Last, Scott Avett reflected on why he was over-protective as a kid:

"I was really afraid of how I would feel to see Seth get hurt."

He was afraid of how he would feel if something bad happened to Seth. He was not motivated by what would happen to Seth or of how Seth would feel. His motivation was self-preservation disguised as love. I can relate to this. Can you?

This helps us see what is going on within ourselves:

When you feel compelled to protect: Is it love and courage that drives you? Or is it fear of how you will feel if things go bad that drives you?

Fear is a vice. Fear prevents real love. A person led by fear is not a person who is master of themselves.

So - what do we do?

We need a new mental model when it comes to caring for others. We need a new story to tell ourselves when we see others at risk or in pain.

When I see my four-year-old son climbing high on the rocks, I have a choice to make. I can choose to stop him because I am afraid of how I will feel if he gets hurt, or I can choose loving courage. Let's see what each looks like:

Option a: Fear: I do not want the bad feeling of hearing my son cry and seeing him hurt. I am afraid of that happening. I scramble to grab him or I nag him ("be careful buddy!") or I mask my fear as anger and yell at him ("get down here now!").

Option b: Loving courage: I see my son as a future adult, who is exploring the world and learning. I see myself as a person who will be ok regardless of what happens to my son. My role is to keep him safe and loved for his sake, not mine. So... I watch. If I see him take too great of a risk, I am able to be calm, intervene, and say "that's not safe buddy. Let's try something else." If he doesn't listen, I go and pick him up with a gentle attitude. And I am able to be calm, because I am helping him from a place of loving courage rather than from my fear.

The challenge this week for us is to lead ourselves with courage in our relationships.

When fear is no longer behind the wheel, the decision on whether to intervene or not becomes a lot clearer.

And our helping becomes a lot better.

-Dave

Thank you. I am grateful you read this thing I wrote. I am trying to get these writings to more people. If you know anyone who you think would find them valuable, please forward this along!
If this email was forwarded to you, please subscribe here.